


diamond eyes.

by simplysalty



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Engagement, F/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 03:19:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18086483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplysalty/pseuds/simplysalty
Summary: One day, her eyes would shine as she smiled softly, another her whole body would shake as blood left her lips in harsh hacks and coughs. Every wheeze would only cause the pain in his chest to worsen, every time she told him she was fine would make him clench his teeth a little tighter. Of course she wasn't fine. If she was fine, he wouldn't be kneeling before a headstone, flowers crushed in his iron grip. He couldn't tell if he was crying; he was far too numbed by the rain hitting his back.





	1. Chapter 1

       This wasn't supposed to happen. None of this was supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to be paralyzed, knees hitting the ground as the rain stained a vibrant red on the dirt beneath him. He wasn't supposed to be staring, in shock as the life faded from her eyes, that smile still so soft and kind. Her hand wasn't supposed to remain so tightly clutching his shirt, as if she were still there with him, as if the desperation in her voice could ever reach him again. The cold body in his arms was a sobering sight from the grief and mourning that rushed through his veins.

        _Keep living, please? For me?_

       He couldn't live for her if she wasn't there by his side, he wanted to protest, he wished that the sobs that tried so hard to claw their way from his throat could bring her back. Why? Why did she come? She was supposed to stay in the hospital, where she was safe and attended to. She was supposed to stay in bed, where her vulnerability couldn't be seen and targeted by the world. She wasn't supposed to rush to his side as soon as she heard the mere possibility of his life being in danger. Even in her last moments, she still looked sickly and ill. Why did she do this for him?

        _I was doomed to die, silly. Of course I'd rather die protecting you than living out my last few weeks knowing I could have been there for you._

       Stupid, stupid stupid stupid! No, no no no she wasn't supposed to die, not like this, not in his arms, why did he always have to ruin everything, why did he always have to fail everyone, why was he always the reason all his loved ones died, why was it always him, him, him? He wanted to claw his hair out, to rip the skin from his flesh, to let himself suffer and die with her, the only one who had stood by his side for so many years, the one who had been so close to starting a family with him. The one who didn't hesitate when he offered her a ring with a shy and sheepish expression, the one who didn't blame him for the death of their friends.

        _I'm sorry, Kakashi. I promised you I'd be with you forever. It looks like I broke it._

       That last bitter chuckle he heard from her shattered his heart. He wished that she had blamed him for her death, that she had said she hated him, but this was her. Of course she didn't say that. The blood on his lips tasted like rusted iron, a dull ache following it that was the only reminder that this wasn't his blood. It haunted him how it tasted so much like his own.

       His friends and peers gave him much-needed space after seeing how grief-stricken he had become. No matter how hard he tried to make it seem and feel like he was alright, they all knew he wasn't. He knew he wasn't. So many nights, he went to that memorial stone, shivering at how her name looked just like all the others surrounding it. Here, she didn't stand out. She was just another one who had died while protecting something.

        _Something._ That word made him wince. She gave up her life to preserve his, to think that something that monumental would be overlooked as just another honorable act without being paid much mind. So many had died this way, and yet they were just bunched with the rest of them, as if they hadn't made such a pivotal decision there and then, when if even one of them hadn't succeeded, the whole course of the world could have changed.

       The memory of her hands cradling his face as she smiled through the pain only made his breaths grow heavier and more forced. He could clutch his chest as much as he wanted, but she would never come back. She was gone, and that was that. The apartment suddenly felt too large, too empty, and much too cold. Endlessly he lay in his bed, unable to sleep. Whenever he shut his eyes, the image of her dying in his arms would return, soon followed by the death of his teammates all those years ago, and all his friends he lost to countless battles and enemies.

       If this was the price he had to pay for being such a monster, for failing everyone, for destroying and ruining everything he touched, then he would gladly accept it. He was tearing himself apart, and he was fine with that.


	2. Chapter 2

_He stood there, frozen in shock. Her hands still rested on either side of his jaw, thumbs softly tracing along his cheekbones, gentle like she always was. She held him so close that he started to grow dizzy from the warm smell of flowers and honey, overwhelmed and flustered beyond physical comprehension. That smile of hers could soothe anyone, sweet and kind. He really wondered how he had managed to get an angel like this, standing by his side and treating him as if he was so much more and so much better than the monster he told himself he was._

_Those bright wings could shine like the sun itself, and glitter like the stars in the sky. He was almost blinded every time he gazed at her, feeling unworthy yet simultaneously fulfilled while she was with him. Those pale purple eyes of hers could be so warm despite that milky quality, washing away all his worries and insecurities when she wrapped her arms around him._

_Moments when her fingers loosely hooked around his, tugging him along during midnight expeditions, occasionally whirling around to jab at his stomach just to tease him about his nervousness. Instinctively, he wanted to protect himself from the oncoming attack, but simultaneously he was so afraid of hurting her on accident - so he would always just take the hit before his mind could come to a decision. She kept reassuring that no matter what he did, she wouldn't leave him._

**I love you.** __

_It felt so surreal to wake up next to her, a soft groan followed by a sleepy and warm good morning. How she had convinced her family to let her move into a new apartment with him, he had no idea. Perhaps it was because she was the older between her and her younger brother, and she was female. She would not be nearly as renowned as the boy would be once he grew older. Frankly, it angered him how easily they seemed to let her go, but she always told him that it was fine - that as long as she could still see her younger brother at least once a week, she was happy._

_That first time she kissed him, she didn't take off his mask. She simply kissed him right through the fabric, laughing lightly when he stammered incoherently, his entire body on fire as it glowed a deep red. He had a similar reaction the second time when she did pull the black cloth down, seeing his barren face for the first time. He had always been too nervous to initiate any physical display of affection other than holding her close or clasping her hand in his own - he was afraid he would do something wrong, that he would scare her away, that he would disappoint her._

_But each time, she simply chuckled at his words. That fear of his would dissipate as if it had never been there in the first place, becoming more at ease as time passed. By the time they had been together for a year, no one was surprised when he started walking around with her much more often, a hand on her hip or over her shoulders. About time, Kurenai had told him with a giggle._

_They both had their own duties, though, as shinobi. He as an ANBU, and her as a jonin. Occasionally they were put on missions together, which were always carried out most efficiently - they worked so well together, always at the same wavelength. She protected him, and he protected her. She was no weakling, she could defend herself. She could do missions without him, even if he did worry for her. He had the right to worry, he knew. And so did she. Every time he got back home, she would always make sure he was alright, as did he with her._

_They had known each other for a very long time, all the way back to when they were genin, so there wasn't much of a need to get to know each other better. That third year officially together, he awkwardly offered her a ring. He thought she couldn't possibly smile any brighter, but it seemed he was very wrong. They were supposed to get married a year from that day at most, but it seemed that the world just couldn't let him have his happiness._

_Seeing her in a hospital bed, missing a limb and sick beyond help - it ruined him. He was so afraid, so afraid she would die on him, so afraid she would slip through his fingers just like all his other loved ones had. So of course, he worked. He worked harder and harder, to distract himself from his worrying. She was due to die a not long before the day they hoped to finally be married. But instead, his time in the sun was abruptly cut short._

_Blood, so much blood, so so much blood._

**"Kakashi...there's something you need to hear. About her."** __

_His breath caught in his throat as their lips moved to form words, eyes widening as his whole world came crashing down like never before. This was his fault, all his fault. It was always his fault. He should have known, he should have refused her all those years ago to save her the tragedy of becoming an important element in his life. He should have ended their relationship, he should have known, he should have asked her - why was he like this, why did he always do everything wrong?_

_His fault, all his fault, always, alw -_

       He shot up from his bed, sweat coming down in waves. No, no no no. He couldn't be thinking about this right now, not so long after that incident. Suffering from another night of nearly no sleep, he forced himself to get out from under the covers, the sun just barely peeking over the mountains. If he tried to sleep again now, he would only kill himself more and more in his dreams. He was told he had a new squad of genin to look after.

       Dear Lord in the Heavens above, he hoped Neji wasn't one of them - he wouldn't be able to look the boy in the eye out of shame alone.

 

        **"She was almost three months pregnant."**


End file.
